bonne aniverssaire  / Snoussi Nouredine (nouri)
meilleurs veut.je te souhaite toutes le bonheurs de se monde Close

So Very Sorry for Your Loss  / Melissa Eiler (Visitor~Daughter of Irwin & Renee Eiler )

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Time and time again  / Mommie (Mother)

Each moment brings calm and quiet healing though we never hear it, never feel it, and never sense it.  Those that loved Shawne the longest and the deepest will never recover from her leaving us.  Any amount of time will not remove the sting we feel.  Though that sting is not as constant as it was in the early moments or days - we feel them just the same.

Anyone that has lost a child or spouse knows exactly what I'm saying.  You've lived them and continue to live them.  Though the pain NEVER diminishes...it does become a "different" pain and a different sense of loss.  I was once told, it will never go away Debbye, "it will just get different."  That gentle soul sharing her insight saved my life that day on the plane.  I awaited the time when I would sense the difference and not the horrendous weight.  

Though it will seem others move on and begin their lives again, though it will appear they don't suffer loss...they begin a different chapter in their grief.  I remind myself not to judge them and expect them to possess the same pain as I as Shawne's mother.  She had one mother, one sister, one father, one husband and each one of us, though tied to her as tightly as we were loved her SO differently and in such a higher level than the other.  It's taken these years, months, days, and hours to know this in my heart and not hold ill will against either.

It's with much humbleness and much forgiveness on their part that I was allowed the space of time to become a grieving mother.  Walling my heart off, and hiding the pain and anguish worked for a short time.  It mushroomed out and spilled over overwhelming me and those in its path.  I am thankful for those that valued me enough to give grace and pity enough for me to come this far.  I've so much further to go and so many paths to travel before I ever realize any sense of healing but at least I can see a leading towards it instead of being swallowed by it.

So many times we reach out and no one is there to touch.  I feel solitude surround me but in an instant am sent a friend with a kind word or even a simple smile and am brought back on course.  Though the journey is still rough-going and filled with pitfalls, I focus more on the forward with holding memories within my heart.

I treasure each life that Shawne touched and am so very thankful for any that choose to touch my life and speed me upon my journey.

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from Bob  / Robert (bob) Reyna (friend)
i guess i just wanted to write you a letter shawne,,i know your up there reading this , i've prayed before to my mother to watch over you as i will with your boys and their dad down here,,,your missed..  Close

love / Hannah Rich (sister)
there is not 1 day in the past 2 years that i have not though about what life might be like if shawne were still here. would me and her be closer would i have visited more, how would christian and caleb be different, aaron? these thoughts go through my head every day of my life now. i miss her so much and love her with all of my heart! Close

My first poem.  / Cristian Zepeda (First Son )

HATCHED AND CAPTURED

 

Dedicated to Mommie

 

 

It was like you were a cocoon and you hatched free

To go wherever you wanted

And the next minute you’re trapped

And then you died.

 

By your son Cristian Zepeda

07/01/2005

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Thoughts of past, present, and onward... / Debbye Jordan (Mommie)

May 15, 2005

 

Again, a blessing amongst sadness and tears...a look forward towards joy and smiles!

 

I happened upon the "Hallmark" channel this morning.  "Mermaid" was showing early this morning and I'd started watching.  Oh, Cher and a sad theme but no that was "Mermaids."    This movie was about a little girl "Desi," "Desiree" in California (a true story) whose Daddy died and she began speaking of herself in the third person in an effort to deal with her sadness and anguish.  Instead of speaking, I or me she spoke as "Desi thinks," or "Desi wants."  I must see this movie from its beginning...the ends brought so many tears and sobs but little Desi finds peace believing her "Daddy didn't forget about me" and that Daddy was happy and safe.

 

I'm still in Georgia alone, my heart and friends all back in Texas.  I moved to a new complex a month ago.  This complex is like a piece of Heaven for me.  My back patio opens to a slight hillside above me filled with now blooming honeysuckle vines, Boston ivy, pine trees and shrubbery.  My potted patio plants blanket my front patio/walkway to my front door.  The back patio, too, is a haven to sit amongst after a day's stress and work.  I always sigh immediately opening the door to let my Shawne's little kitty out, who knows lives with me in Georgia, to seek adventure in the outdoors.  Rain drops fall gently this morning and she actually went out among them as she's never felt them.  I recall this innocence of life from the early early moments of Shawne's life.  Tigervitski (her new name with Gammie) was never allowed outside when she lived with Shawne, Aaron (Shawne's husband), Cristian and Caleb (Shawne's little and the sweetest boys.)  I know Shawne would love my new place too had God blessed me the privilege to share it with her.  You may have read my stories before and recognize my words and theme as I've written you before of the loss of our Shawne, my youngest daughter whom passed away 11/21/2003 at the too young age of 25.

 

We live throughout immense joy and happiness in our walk of life and dwell among extreme sadness sometimes within minutes of each experience.  If we are strong, we will ourselves on.  If we are what some would call weak, we plod through blindly taking small steps forward and experience two back as in the "Texas Two-Step" sometimes taking bold and absurd and off-the-wall gestures to hide the pain and sorrow (we all know what that is or was.)  I would never have believed my life would take on the reality of the "dance" I stepped while living in Texas.  Perhaps I should find a way to dance the dance in Georgia?  First, though I will need to find a partner I would like to dance with.

 

I will forever feel the Horror of Shawne being gone from us.  That pain stabs me as I reach for the cell phone to call her or as my mind slips back in time to tender visions past.

 

I've hung all my framed memories of my girls and grandsons on the walls now.  I see moments in time past in my mind as I glance at each one and relive them to realize the wonder of life and journeys past.  I find moments now when the veil of sadness and loneliness part and I get a glimpse of Shawne's zest and pure love of life.  I have determined that I carry on in life yet am trapped in my safe realm.  Though I've so many years beyond Shawne's and my own "maturity" and "responsible mode" I see the hope of adventure.  As Tim McGraw sings, "I'd go skydiving..." I crave that adventure now.  If I must live on, I must find my way and walk alone.  Perhaps another heart will join me to help ease me forward, perhaps not.  I find moments I relish in the possibilities and those when the immense sorrow still overwhelms me and envelopes my soul.  The darkness looms and see Shawne's smile within this night but glimmers of her light and joy spread as God's peace and her childlike zeal emulates and surrounds me. 

 

Someday I will look back and hopefully see growth and know Shawne would smile at my adventurous and childlike side.  My daughter, Carrie and grandsons, Cristian and Caleb will have wonderful memories of me to look back upon when I'm gone from this earth quiet and peaceful awaiting the reunion with Shawne and them in the clouds as we begin our last journey towards Heaven together.

 

Debbye Jordan

Mommie of Shawne Alison Rich Phillips

Birthday April 11, 1978

Angel Date November 11, 2003

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At Peace / Carrie Rich (Sister)

I just wanted to let you know that i made it home.
The journey wasn't an easy one,
But it didn't take me long.
Everything is so pretty here,
So white, so fresh and new.
I wish that you could close your eyes and that you could see it too.

Please try not to be sad for me....
Try to understand.
God is taking care of me..
I'm in the shelter of his hands.
Here there is no sadness,
No sorrow and no pain.
Here there is no crying,
And i'll never hurt again.
Here it is so peaceful
When all the angel's sing,
I really do have to go now-
I've just got to try my wing's."

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When / Carrie Rich (Sister)

When waking each morning is a punishment,
Getting through the day is like chewing stale bread,
And each breath deals a blow to the chest.

When talking to strangers is impossible,
Talking to friends is hollow and false
And talking to family is agony squared

When you wish to melt into grief
But your unyielding eyes stay dry
And uncried tears choke you

Think of her sweet, bright smile
Where pain dissolves into light
Her dancing hands
Her arms around your shoulders
The love she gave that still flows around you

Be still, know this and have peace:
She will never know pain like this Close

Never stop loving you / Aaron Phillips (Husband)
I never thought I'd Have to write something like this - being so young... so unprepared How do I find words to you what I feel or what I am facing ? Half of me is gone now half of the person i had become is gone now.
You believed in me and gave me a chance to love you... you who, in my eyes had no flaws. Absolutely perfect. Everything I ever wantedin a woman : strong-willed, selfless, compasionate, generous, and encouraging. The pillow I laid my head upon each night, arms and legs wrapped around you as I slept. The touch of your breath and the sound of your heartbeat like lullabyes caressing my soul to sleep. The warmth of your body andyour handon my chest put my heart at ease.

All the most meaningful relationships are now missing, because they were all you. You were my lover, exciting and fullfilling my passion. You were my companion who drove away my lonliness and boredom.
You were my closest friend, whom I could play with and tease like a sister. You were my helpmate, usually carrying more than you fair share of the burden. You were my wife, the only one that has been given all that I am.
I'm gonna miss sharing our bed with our two sons early in the morning and playing tug-of-war with caleb over your hair, then watching you roll out of bed to make Cristian his sunshine eggs. Im gonna miss the awful smell of vegetarian scallops and turkey bacon in the kitchen.
Im gonna miss four o clock's watching Oprah, sitting there trying to manly in front of you and trying to hold back my tears during certain episodes. I'm gonna miss watching Adam Sandler movies, Mama's Family, I Love Lucy, and Fullhouse in our upstairsr bedroom.
Im gonna miss watching you put on your makeup and get ready for work, and I'm gonna miss watching you kiss Cristian and Caleb goodbye before you'd leave. Im going to miss our Sunday's and Monday's of long nights playing gin rummy for four hours in row.
Im gonna miss those long drives at night listening to 103.7 Im gonna miss Sunday night dinners at Birra Porretti's.
I'm going to miss you watching me watching basketball games, as you tryed to show interest in things I enjoy. I'm going to miss your reminders and notes about errands to run and bills to be paid - and how at the end of those notes you reminded me that you were proud of me ..... and that you loved me. 
I'm gonna miss the times we planned birthday parties for the boys. I'm gonna miss those late Chrismas Eve's, and the excitement on your face to see the excitement on the kids faces the next morning.
I'm gonna miss my baby girl most of all, because my baby girl cannot be replaced.You're the air I now breathe. Because of what you've given me, I'm able to get out of bed in the morning, and brush my teeth, and face a new glaring sun without the shelter of you. Ill go to sleep at night when i can sleep, hoping to have dreams of you back when every day I could expect to see your face.
I hope our life together will always happily be remembered in those things left behind. And I will be reminded of the beatiful person that you are when I am making Cristian and Caleb bowls of cereal,
picking up their toys, driving Cristian to school, and all the other big and small things that come with being a parent. You taught me those things, and in those things I'll see your face and ache because I do them without you. You left behind two wonderful gifts that I will cherish, Two boys reflecting different aspects of the woman I love.
I love you with everything that I am.
Not a single day will go by that doesn't whisper your name. I will remind Cristian and Caleb what a wonderful mother you are. I will make sure they know that they were the most precious people in your life. And I will remind them that you sacrificed so much because their hapiness was your top priority.
I don't believe your gone. Your life that I was fortunate to share now gives me the courage to face a life without you. I will continue, knowing that one day I will see you again, and that I wont have to miss your smile any longer. I'm gonna continue this journey, finishing what we started.

I love you baby girl,

Your husband,

Aaron

P.S. " Your are our sunshine, our only sunshine,
         you make us happy, when skies are grey." Close

Too Soon / Mommie (Mother)

Too Soon

(To My Shawne Alison)

 

 

Too soon…I’m not quite ready Lonnie

And you breathed your first breath April 11, 1978

From that second, your days were lead with such an 
 urgency

That I always wondered what your hurry was

There’s time, Shawne, and you’d toss your head,

Grin, and speed off

 

Too soon…I waved to you as you stepped onto the
 school bus

And began your first day into life and away from me

 

Too soon, Lord, Please let me have her a little longer

 Carrie and I need her more

Ten days passed and you awoke

Seven more and you whispered “I love you, Carrie

I love you, Mommie” Upon your return to us

As the Lord bestowed merciful healing

 

Too soon, Shawne…A baby too soon

You handed me our little Tistan Boy, your treasured gift

As he and I melted hearts gazing into each others eyes

Another treasure, little Caler…so much in love with his
 Mommie

 

Too soon, Mom…do you have to go…I love you, Mom

Our last embrace, our last kiss, our last goodbye.

 

God sped your life with an urgency that I know now you
 sensed

I thank you, Lord, for allowing me to have her longer

To love Shawne Alison

And be honored by being loved by her

 

Your journey has only begun, my little love

Like the song you sang in Sabbath School,

“This Little Light of Mine, I’m gonna let it shine”

You have, Shawne.  Your light was always bright

And will shine forever in our hearts

And show in our lives by how you touched us with your love

 

I embrace the life I gave you

And marvel at the beautiful woman you are

 

Until we say “Hello Again”…my little Shawne

I’ll meet you in the clouds.

 

Debra Lea Jordan

November 25, 2003

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In Passing / Mommie (Mother)
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Shawne / Carrie Long (Best Friend #1)
Even though Shawne and I did not live close to each other when we would talk it always seemed like we were not far away. When we were growing up Shawne and I were the closest of friends and never lacked something to talk about. Shawne loved making movies and best of all loved to show her out going spirit any way she could. I remember one time she spent about 40 minutes acting as if our house was a museum and she was the tour guide while I followed her around with the camera. Shawne truely was always the life of the party and a friend to everyone. I missed hearing from Shawne on my Birthday this year we always new we would talk at least 2 times a year on our birthdays. Most of all I just miss her. I'll aways love her. BFF-Carrie Long ( the other carrie) Close